May is National Foster Care Month…How WE Can Help!

Today across the nation there are over 400,000 children in foster care, over 20,00 of these youth are “legal orphans” awaiting adoption and 25,000 of these children will age out this year. During the month of May hundreds of community events are being planned across the country to help retain, recruit and support critically needed foster parents as well as provide support and advocacy for foster youth and assist children aging out of the system.

We can get involved now to Change a Life one child at a time or pay the cost of our failure later. According to the latest statistics for vulnerable children aging out of the system this is the price we are already paying today for our failure:

Only 54% earn a high school diploma
Only 10% of those go on to college
Only 2% of those obtain a Bachelor’s degree or higher
84% become parents prior to a marriage
51% will experience unemployment due to lack of skills
30% have no health insurance
25% will at one time be homeless
30% receive some type of public assistance
37% become incarcerated
Over 40% will become involved with drugs or are alcoholics

May is an opportune time to highlight the hundreds of ways individuals, churches, schools, libraries, scout troops, civic and social organizations, businesses and government can help support these children, youth and families. I hope it will encourage you to Change a Life by:

Sharing your hearts
Opening your homes as foster parents
Offering your help youth in foster care.
Declare May as “Foster Care Month”

How You May Participate in Foster Care Month:

Wear a “Blue Ribbon” during May in support of National Foster Care Month and help organize or attend a ribbon tying ceremony to advocate on behalf of children in foster care in your community or state.

Write your Governor and Mayor requesting they proclaim May as “Foster Care Month” in your state and community.

Organize a Candlelight Vigil in remembrance of those children who have been abused, neglected or died while in out of home care.

Collect “Teddy Bears” to donate to your local police and fire departments as well as social services departments to soothe children in a time a crisis.

Create “Love Packs” for children living in foster care homes, group homes or other institutional care. (IE: hygiene items, and age appropriate toys, school supplies, story books and a teddy bear)

Organize a drive to collect suitcases and duffel bags as many foster children are moved a number of times while in care, usually their possessions in black plastic garbage bags donate suitcases & duffel bags to foster care agencies so children might move with a little bit of dignity.

Conduct a drive for goods that will assist a youth aging out of the system to get started in life on their own. (IE: alarm clocks, bedding, tools, towels and basic house wares)

Have an “Event Day” for children in foster care (IE: Sports, Zoo, Picnic or Museum Day).

Conduct a creative writing/poster campaign for school children on the subject of Children in Foster Care.

Learn more about how policy, legislative and budget priorities affect children and youth in foster care. Learn the facts about foster care and gain a better understanding of the needs of those touched by foster care. Advocate for reform of the child welfare system so “in the best interest of the child” becomes a reality to the children and youth in care.

Have a “Capital Day” in your state to educate legislatures of the need to reform the child welfare system as many children should NOT be in care in the first place.

Conduct a letter writing campaign to the news media, government officials and others of the plight of children living without parents.

Organize a “Step Out for Kids Walkathon” to raise awareness and funds to assist those children and youth in care. Sometimes, tangible items can have tremendous impact on a young life. Foster youth often lack the funds to pay for an after-school computer class, musical instruments, sports participation or art supplies. Items that most of us would consider basics, such as school backpacks or supplies for a science fair entry, also may be out of reach. Cost of donating to nonprofits benefiting foster youth: A tax-deductible contribution to fit your budget.

Become a “Mentor” or “Tutor” to a child or youth in foster care. By becoming a mentor or tutor you will give foster youth reliable support from someone who holds high expectations for them and encourages them to see a better life for themselves. To mentor or tutor a foster youth not only benefits the recipient, but it is also one of the most rewarding endeavors in life, showing a young person that you care and can be relied upon, even through challenging times. Cost of mentoring or tutoring youth: An hour or two of your time each week. Research shows that children and youth with mentors earn higher grades and improve relationships with friends and families. They also have a better opportunity of success when they age out of the system.

Make a financial contribution to programs and agencies attempting to enrich the lives of children and youth in care.

Have a “Speakers Campaign” to make presentations to your faith-based congregation, civic group, school, PTA and other associations to educate and encourage your community to come together to find families and resources that help young people in foster care thrive.

Businesses have the ability to offer foster youth a life-changing opportunity as well. By hiring young people living in foster care and training them for successful careers, employers provide foster youth with a critical start toward a lifetime of self-sufficiency. Cost of offering and promoting jobs or internships for youth in foster care: Insignificant!

Most important of all, for those children who may not be able to remain with or return safely to their birth families, thousands are needed to open their homes and their hearts and become full-time foster or adoptive parents. The lasting commitment that results from creating a new home is one that can be pursued by couples, married or unmarried, single people and partners. Cost of creating a new, loving family by parenting abused, abandoned and neglected children: Priceless! Contact your local private or state child care agency to see how you may become a foster or adoptive parent.

Many people have asked me how they can become involved in making the foster care system a better one for the children and youth as well as for the foster parents since I was once a foster child. The snapshot of ideas above gives everyone an opportunity to do exactly that.

Yes, the ideas may take time, effort and funds, however, remember these children and youth are our future. As said early in this article; “We can Change a Life NOW one at a time or we will pay the price of their and our failure later.

It is up to US!

Give foster youth full access to Affordable Care Act

Anyone working with youth who may be aging out of care should be supportive on this issue as it greatly concerns health care being available to youth aging out of the system:

 

By REP. KAREN BASS and REP. JIM MCDERMOTT | 3/19/13 9:51 PM  EDT

Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif.) and Rep. Jim McDermott (D-Wash.) serve as  co-chairs of the Congressional Caucus on Foster Youth.

This month marks the third anniversary since the Affordable Care Act was  signed into law by President Barack Obama. Despite the ongoing partisan rancor  surrounding the bill’s implementation, there is at least one provision Congress  should be able to find common ground around: making sure we protect the ability  of young adults to remain on their parents’ health care plans until they reach  age 26. Millions of young adults already are benefiting from this provision as  they work to get themselves established either through continuing their  educations or landing a job.

But when it comes to the thousands of foster youth who age out of the  foster-care system each year, the guarantee of affordable health insurance until  they are able to get on their feet with gainful employment could be in jeopardy  if the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid doesn’t take the broadest  interpretation of the law and ensure all states cover former foster youth until  age 26.

Almost 30,000 young people age out of foster care every year,  having never been adopted or reunified with their birth parents. The fact that  they age out is our failure as a government, and we should not compound that  problem by inadvertently denying them access to the same health care  opportunities as any other young adult would receive under the Affordable Care  Act.

Foster youth who age out are statistically more likely to experience  homelessness and incarceration and to lack health care. They face higher rates  of physical and mental health challenges, sometimes due in part to trauma early  in life. These facts make it all the more important that we guarantee all  eligible foster-care alumni access to quality health coverage.

Foster youth shouldn’t be treated any differently as they transition from the  foster-care system into adulthood — but if we aren’t careful, that’s exactly  what could happen.

The CMS proposed regulation requires states to enroll eligible foster youth  in Medicaid to age 26 only if they remain living in the state where they were in  foster care and enrolled in Medicaid. Although the draft regulation provides  states with the option of extending Medicaid to youth who move to their state,  it does not require it. That may leave foster youth in limbo when it comes to  their ability to access these benefits under the Affordable Care Act.

While CMS should be applauded for striving to achieve health parity for  foster youth, requiring those youth to remain living in the state where they  were in foster care presents an unnecessary burden on the backs of those already  carrying the heaviest load.

After years of separation, 32-year-old man to be adopted

This story on CNN.COM impacted me quite a bit as I read it. I know how he felt over those years of separation from the family he wanted so much.

Unless you have experienced you do not know the impact such as his experience can impact you.

I was in care from the day of my birth until I aged out at 18. During those years I was moved 15 times. Three of those times was being returned to one particular family for periods of 6 months, 2 years & 4 1/2 years. This family attempted to adopt me each time I was placed with them. First they were denied because it felt their being in their 40s was too old. Second, their bio son & his wife attemoted to adopt but were denied because he was Catholic & she Lutheran ( was was with Cathoilic Chairities). The parents attemoted to then adopted me when placed with them for 4 plus years but were denied with no reason ever given. A few weeks later I was removed from them for the final time.

Despite being moved the final time I continued to stay in contact with them and always considered them Mom & Dad no matter what the system said. Dad died in 1975 and Mom in 1983.

I always yearned for a family I could call my own but it was never to be, however all these years later I still call them my Mom & Dad.

 

Here is the story from CNN.COM:

 

(CNN) – A boyhood wish is finally about to come true. But Maurice Griffin had to wait until he was a man for it to happen.

At age 32, the California man is about to be adopted.

“It has to happen,” Griffin said. “I didn’t fight for all those years for no reason.”

Adopting the burly, muscular, mohawk-sporting man is Lisa Godbold, his one-time foster mother.

“I just feel like this makes it official,” Godbold said. “And we don’t have to keep explaining it now.”

Good time

The story dates to the early 1980s, when Godbold and her husband saw Griffin at an orphanage near their Sacramento home. The smiling child seemed to fit perfectly with their family.

“Interracial relationships weren’t as common or accepted as they are today and the fact that Maurice was biracial. And we were a biracial family made us a great profile. So to speak,” Godbold said.

In addition, Griffin got along well with the couple’s other children, two boys younger than him.

“We were best friends,” Griffin said. “We’d run around, we did mischievous things and fun things. It was a good time.”

The good time lasted for years — until Griffin was 13 — and was two months away from being officially adopted by the family.

Family ripped apart

One day, foster care officials took Griffin away, saying he could not live with Godbold’s family anymore.

The whole issue came from a dispute over whether they could spank him, according to Godbold.

“You can’t spank foster children. Maurice very much wanted that,” Godbold said. “We wanted him to feel like the rest of our kids. And there was a difference of opinion with some of the (child welfare) supervisors.”

Godbold said she fought to keep Griffin and was told she could lose her biological children.

CNN contacted the state agency responsible for the case, but its officials would not comment because it’s still considered a juvenile case.

So she had to let go. And as time moved on Griffin, says he lost touch with what he felt was his only family.

“It was just an emptiness,” he said. “I couldn’t talk to anybody about it because nobody was there. I couldn’t call somebody; there was just a void in me.”

Searching for each other

Despite several obstacles, they never stopped searching for one another.

Godbold’s husband died in 1998. She remarried and changed her last name, and moved. Griffin bounced from one foster home to another, never finding what he lost.

“I didn’t let anybody get close to me again,” Griffin said, holding back tears. “I hurt a lot of people. It was a rough road.”

But six years ago, Godbold found Griffin on social media. They communicated online and then one day she called him.

“She said, ‘hey baby,’ and I said I got to call you back,” Griffin said, trying to explain how overwhelmed he was by the reunion.

And now the two are heading to a San Diego courtroom Friday, to put their family back together.

A juvenile court.

What is Foster Care Like?

I don’t think I need say anymore!Click on photo to get the full picture and words.

 

Daughter finds biological mother a few days before Christmas

A heartwarming Christmas story for those who have searched for their birth family:

By: Tracy Frank, Fargo Forum December 25, 2012

Pam Miller, of Fargo, spent more than 30 years looking for her biological mother before she finally found her, three days before Christmas in 2010.

“It was truly a Christmas miracle,” said Laura Faye Bobo, Miller’s mother, who lives in Ohio.

Miller, now 52, endured a difficult childhood, even after her adoption at birth.

Her adoptive mother died when Miller was 5 years old.

When her adoptive father couldn’t take care of her, her adoptive mother’s sister took over custody until she was 15 years old, when Miller went into foster care until age 18.

As an adult, Miller spent countless hours in libraries looking at newspapers and phone books for any clues that might lead to her biological family.

All Miller knew was that her mother’s first name was Faye, her last name might have been something like Clemens, and she lived somewhere in Ohio.

She spent a lot of time calling people who would just hang up.

Eventually she stopped.

“I came to peace with myself that it probably would never happen,” Miller said. “I had spent years looking, and I just figured it would never happen, so I just moved on.”

But after she had a family of her own and her daughter, Presley, who is now 20, developed medical problems, Miller started looking again, this time needing information on her medical background in addition to wanting to find her parents.

She contacted the hospital in St. Louis where she’d been born and the courthouse to try to get the adoption records opened.

Both resulted in dead ends.

She started and stopped her search a few times over the years.

Then a couple of years ago when Miller was looking for Presley’s birth certificate, she came across a box of get well cards addressed to her first adoptive mother.

She started searching the cards, looking for clues and decided on a whim to type her first adoptive mother’s name into Google to see what popped up.

It was late on Dec. 21, 2010, when Miller came across a notice on adopteeconnect.com that said: “I am searching for my birth daughter, her name was Pamela Jean Hubbs, adoptive parents were John and Viola Hubbs of St. Louis, Missouri.”

It had been posted Oct. 20 of that year, the day after Miller’s 50th birthday.

“I was crying,” Miller said. “I was a wreck and didn’t know what to do.”

She immediately called her oldest daughter, who was at a friend’s house.

“I got a phone call from my mom and she was bawling,” Presley Wanner said. “My stomach just dropped.”

When Miller told her daughter that she had found her mother, Wanner started crying, too.

“I was just blown away,” Wanner said.

Miller clicked on the reply button on the notice and wrote: “My name is Pamela Jean Miller Hubbs. I know that I’m your daughter,” she said.

She added where she was born and her adoptive parents’ names and hit send.

“I was sick to my stomach,” she said. “I was nervous, excited, but apprehensive. I didn’t know what to think.”

Miller said she didn’t sleep all night, and when she checked her email at 6 the next morning, she had a message from her sister, Karen, whom she didn’t know existed until that moment.

Karen had posted the notice to help her mother find Miller.

“It was the most wonderful thing that happened,” Bobo said. “I had been trying to find her for about 50 years.”

Bobo, who said she never wanted to give her daughter up for adoption, said she wrote letters and never got answers back. She said the court told her they would release all of the adoption information when her daughter turned 18, but they never did.

“You don’t know how much I suffered in those 50 years,” Bobo said. “I cried all the time. I always cried on her birthday.”

“There was a piece of my heart that was missing,” Bobo said. “After we found her, I felt like my heart was back. I can’t really explain it. When I left St. Louis and left her there, I left a piece of my heart there. I’m very excited and happy that she’s in our lives. I didn’t think we could ever find her.”

It took Miller a little while before she could call her mom, she said.

“I don’t know why,” she said. “These people were like total strangers, but yet, they were my family.”

Miller and her sister emailed back and forth, exchanging information and family photos.

“It was like we’d always been sisters,” Miller said.

She learned she had seven siblings, and she flew to Ohio to meet them and her mom a few weeks later.

When she arrived, there was a huge party at her mother’s house with a big cake that read, “Welcome home.”

“I hugged her and we were crying,” Bobo said. “She just acted like she was at home. It was amazing. I just felt like I knew her.”

Miller stayed about a week, spending time getting to know the family she never knew she had.

Her mother also identified Miller’s father, a man with which Bobo was no longer in contact. Several months later, Miller started looking for him.

She found two listings for a Dewey White in Arkansas. She guessed which one was likely her father and called the number.

When a man answered, Miller asked if he had ever known a woman named Faye Cremeans.

“He said, ‘I most certainly did,’ ” Miller said.

She then told him she was his daughter.

“She said, well thank God, I found my father,” White said. “I didn’t know what to think.”

White said he was shocked, but he was happy. He knew he had a daughter somewhere, but never knew where to look or how to find her, he said.

Miller then visited him, too. They got along well and have a close relationship now, White said.

“I just love her a whole lot,” he said. “It seems like I’ve known her forever.”

Miller still keeps in close contact with both sides of her new-found family and says she feels a sense of peace.

“I have that feeling that I belong somewhere now,” she said.

Removing the Barriers to Higher Education for Homeless and Foster Youth

This is an article written by Sam Bracken on June 14, 20012 for the Huffington Post, Sam is a former foster youth. His story s inspiring how he overcame and how he is now helping other:

At this time of year we hear heartwarming stories about homeless kids who manage to graduate from college. Those kids are few and far between.

Although many states have programs in place where youth in foster care who graduate on time and with decent grades are supposed receive support to go on to college, fewer than 3 percent of kids who have been in foster care make it into college. Of those who do manage to get accepted into college, only about 3 percent successfully graduate with degrees.

I know firsthand many of the barriers homeless kids and youth from foster care face in education. I was one of those invisible kids — sexually abused, randomly beaten by my parents and stepsiblings. My role models were mobsters and motorcycle gang members in Las Vegas. I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable at the hands of those charged with keeping me safe. I was wrongly in special education classes until a caring teacher figured out when I was 13 that I just needed glasses.

By age 15, I was homeless. Worried about losing my spot on the football team, I kept my homelessness a secret from my high school and couch surfed. I juggled football and track practices, jobs and homework and graduated number 11 out of a class of 700 students.

Then a miracle happened.

I earned a full-ride football scholarship to Georgia Institute of Technology where Coach Bill Curry was in his first year as head coach. When I flew from Las Vegas to Atlanta, everything I owned fit in an orange duffel bag. Georgia Tech officials had no idea they were getting a homeless teen. Lucky for me, the university had instituted its “total person program,” which meant that athletes got training on every aspect of being a well-rounded individual.

Even with the support that came with being a student athlete, I often struggled. During every college break, I had to contend with the possibility of being homeless again and worry about where I would eat and sleep since the dorms and cafeteria were closed. I had no one to turn to pay for incidentals, and NCAA rules made it illegal for me to get help from alums. No one in my family had graduated from college, so being in school was like landing in a foreign country where I didn’t understand the language or the currency.

After a very successful freshman year on the field and in the classroom, I had what I was told were career-ending shoulder injuries. When I woke up from surgery, Coach Curry was by my bedside, and told me he didn’t care whether I played football again — my scholarship was safe. Then he said words I’ll never forget: “I care about you, Sam.”

That was the first time in my life I had ever felt loved. I re-earned a starting position on the team, and contributed to one of Georgia Tech’s most winning teams. When I hit an emotional wall my junior year stemming from my traumatic past, the coaching staff made sure I got professional help. Thanks to academic tutoring, I was on academic scholarships my last two years at Georgia Tech.

Despite the obstacles and thanks to many mentors, I graduated with honors.

More than 30 years later, I am saddened that shockingly little has changed in terms of helping our most vulnerable teens gain access to higher education. They face all kinds of barriers–from an outdated paper voucher system that allows them to take the ACT/SAT or waive college application fees to contending with homelessness during school breaks to being suspended from classes because the state fails to pay a tuition bill on time. Homeless teens and those in foster care rarely graduate on time from high school, because their high school transcripts get so fouled up from being moved so often.

Among youth in foster care nationally, fewer than 50 percent graduate high school. The rate among homeless teens hasn’t been measured, but I suspect it’s worse than that. Yet a recent survey showed that 90 percent of all jobs now require a high school diploma or GED.

I know all of this from working with kids as co-founder and national spokesperson of the Orange Duffel Bag Foundation (ODBF), a 501c3 nonprofit that does professional coaching on life plans with at-risk kids ages 12-24. I recently met a 15-year-old who has been through 39 placements, including 17 different foster homes. He’s an A student, but I can only imagine what his transcripts must look like. Another young man in Columbus, Ohio, found out he was one-half credit shy of graduating. His caseworker failed to submit his application in time for the full-ride he would have had at Ohio State University. His caseworker dropped him at the local men’s homeless shelter the day after he was supposed to graduate.

A staggering 70 percent of the people in our prisons report having been in foster care or homeless shelters as children. Ironically, the cost of incarcerating a youth for a year equals the amount it would take for a year of education at many of our best colleges and universities.

We cannot afford as a nation to overlook the educational needs of our most vulnerable young people. As part of the Atlanta-based Community Youth Opportunity Initiative designed to help youth in foster care, ODBF recently met with the leadership committee of the Georgia Board of Regents to present ideas about how to help break down the barriers that are currently preventing them from scaling the ivy walls. Most expressed shock and concern about the labyrinth these young people, who frequently don’t have one single caring adult to advocate for them, are expected to navigate.

Let’s tear down some walls and break the cycle of generational poverty that many of our young people face.

 

Foster Care Alumni Need to Reach Out to Other Alumni & Youth in Care Today!

I’d like to share a story with you. It’s about a little boy, but it could as easily be about a little girl. Picture the following in your mind:

A baby boy has just been born. He should be wrapped in his loving mother’s arms with her scent all about him and with family gathering full of joy at his birth. But he doesn’t feel those loving arms nor hear the sounds of joy. The smells are those of a hospital ward. He is moved from one nursery to another. He is alone. Days, weeks and months pass…the calendar moves toward his first birthday…yet he still remains alone!

Finally at fourteen months of age he hears someone…a stranger…calling his name. Someone is picking him up and saying “they are taking him home.”

Years pass. He has heard strangers repeat his name and say “Pack your bag…you are leaving!” ten different times…he is only six years old. Each time he has heard it, he has just begun to make friends…now they are gone. He begins to feel comfortable where he is…now it’s time to move again.

Each move has brought him to unfamiliar surroundings and people. Each time he has had to pack his “brown grocery paper bag” with all his worldly possessions.

No one has yet called him Son…he is only called by his first name. He hears he is a foster child for the first time. He hears the word “bastard” in relation to him as well. He is also called names that cannot be repeated here.

No one loves him. He doesn’t belong wherever he has gone. He is treated differently than others. No one wants him. He has no permanent home. He walks home from school to his temporary home slowly, having developed a fear that it may no longer be his home when he gets there.

He suddenly finds himself in a home where things are different. He is treated with love. He is treated as part of the family. He starts to lose his fear of leaving school to go home. He is getting comfortable where he is at. He is in this home one year, two years, three years. He believes he has finally found a home. He has made and kept friends for longer than a few months. He passes a fourth year; he is half way through another year.

He arrives home from school one day and sees a stranger in the house. He slows down going up the walkway and begins to tremble. He sees the one he loves and calls MOM crying. He now knows that stranger in the room is a case worker from Catholic Charities. He goes to his Mom to hold her…to cry with her. He knows what this means. He packs his “paper bag” once again. Carrying it, he slowly is walking out of the house he has known for four and one half years as home. He looks back as he is slowly driven away…he knows in his heart he won’t be back to live here again.

He learns much later in life that this foster family, as well as their son and his wife, each attempted to adopt him…not once or twice, but thrice. Those responsible for making the decision each time gave a resounding NO! He is told the foster parents are denied because of age, though they are only in their mid 40s. The son and his wife are denied because she is not of the proper “Faith” for him to be raised in.

He has been placed in a juvenile detention center with young men who have committed every imaginable crime. His only crime is he has no parents or home to call his own. He is the youngest boy on the block, as well as the smallest. He is forced to learn how to fight quickly, he is savagely sexually abused. Feeling despair and worthless he attempts suicide. His bed is a thin mattress on the floor, as the block is overcrowded. He lives here for over two months while yet another temporary home is found for him.

He is in a strange place once again. He is in a new school. He has no friends. He is treated as a stranger at this place. He is not a part of this family. He is forced to eat alone. He is given but one meal a day which forces him to steal from classmates lunches to lessen his hunger pangs.

He does not sleep in the house, but on the unheated back porch. He is only allowed in the main portion of the house to use the bathroom.

Christmas comes…the only gifts he receives are the clothes that were given him by the St. Vincent de Paul Society a week earlier, as his semiannual clothing allotment. There is nothing from this family for him under the tree.

Months pass. He is told to “pack his bag.” They are coming for him in the morning. He is being moved yet again…and he doesn’t know where he is going.

He is asleep this last night, when suddenly he is jolted awake. Before him stands another person…exposing himself. He intends to have the boy remember his last night in this house. He screams out in terror. He lashes every way possible. He hears someone coming, asking, “What is going on?” He tells his story, but is not believed. He is told, “You no good, ungrateful, lying little bastard! No wonder no one wants you! Get your bag and get your ass out of this house!” He hears and feels the hard slap and sting of a hand across his reddened face. He is forced to sit on the outside stoop in the cold night, to await them coming to get him in the morning.

He is picked up. He is on a plane for the first time in his life and doesn’t know where he is being taken. The person taking him is not speaking to him. He lands in a place he has never heard of and has no idea where he is…only that he has been moved again.

You have been reading this for just a few minutes. In those few minutes this young boy has been moved fourteen times. He has been moved from the only place he considered home and the people he loved. He has made friends and lost them. He has changed schools. He has been made to feel a part of a family and as a stranger. He has been brutally sexually assaulted. He has at age ten attempted suicide. He is alone again.

These few minutes you have been reading this has actually been the course of the first eleven years of this young boy’s life.

Can you imagine how this young boy felt! If you have lived within the system you know the adjectives.

By age eleven system has already determined this young boy a failure and moved him to an orphanage out of state to let him be someone else‘s problem. They expect him to age out of the system and to join the ranks that statistics show he will continue to be a failure throughout his life.

At age eleven this young boy already reached a major crossroad in his young life. After fourteen moves, others making decisions about his life amongst other things; he faced a choice. He could whine about his childhood, accept others already declaring him a failure and proceed in that manner or he could assume responsibility for his own life, set goals & expectations and do all that was necessary to achieve them.

Cards were dealt at birth. Rather than being dealt a royal flush he was dealt maybe a pair of twos and told to play it the best he possibly could as he could not throw any cards away and hope for a better hand. He, with the help of others along the way, was ultimately responsible for how the game turned out. He could whimper and whine and just say deal me out or he could somehow attempt to make that pair of twos look like a royal flush…the choice was his and his alone.

He chose not to take the already crowded road of whining nor accept what others had already determined about him. He was going to make something of himself not because of the system but rather despite it. He began setting goals for himself and charting the course necessary to achieve them.

Over the years he wanted to graduate high school…he achieved that. He wanted to obtain a college degree…he achieved that. He wanted to become a public speaker…he achieved that speaking to audiences of as few of twenty to as many as five thousand, including three international conferences. He wanted to  found foundations to help other youth…he achieved that starting two foundations as well as serving as Executive Director of another foundation and currently serving on the Board of Directors for an international foundation today. He also wanted to be a writer…he achieved that by authoring two books, writing a number of articles for newspapers & magazines as well as today maintaining a well visited web site and blog. He has goals he is still reaching to achieve.

Bear in mind life has dealt him many setbacks along the way, but he learned at an early age to view them as opportunities and know that no matter how bad things seemed to be….they could be worse, as it is for some.

Within every person there is a rose. These qualities planted in us at birth grow amid the thorns of our faults. He, in early life, had looked at himself and saw only the thorns; the defects. He despaired, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from him. He neglected to water the good within him when he was very young, and eventually that good could have died. He might never realize his potential and see the rose within himself had he not been forced to at age eleven.

The card game of life is yet to be completed, but no matter where the winding road of life may yet take him he believes victory has already been won!

Why do I share this story with you?

I want all foster youth and foster care alumni to realize you do not need to accept what others tell you about you, you can overcome any negative caused to you while in the foster care system. I won’t say the road will be an easy one. The road will require determination and hard work as well as overcoming stumbles along the way. I also want  foster care alumni who have overcome to realize they have an obligation to help others within the system today as well as those who have aged out but yet still struggle on their road of life. Those still struggling to overcome need to also help those in the system as by helping others you will also be helping yourself! The statistics of failure that run rampant amongst foster care alumni must be changed!

One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns and find the rose within another. This is the characteristic of love, to look at a person, and knowing his/her faults, recognize the nobility in their soul, and help them realize that they can overcome their faults. If we show them the rose, they will conquer the thorns. Then will they blossom, blooming forth thirty, sixty, a hundred-fold as it is given to them. This is the challenge to all who have gone through the foster care system. They must realize their full potential and also let those still within the system know theirs!

There are many ways one can do this. You can join national organizations whose mission is to advocate for youth in care or connect them with alumni as mentors. One such organization is Foster Care Alumni or America (
http://www.fostercarealumni.org/
). You can join local organizations whose mission is to make life a little better while youth remain in care. You can mentor a foster youth, especially one where the system has decided will age out of it. There are so many groups out there just waiting for volunteers to walk through the door…be the one! Each must help youth in care avoid many of the struggles they may have had while in care or avoid the pitfalls encountered after care. I say again; as one helps others we will help ourselves!

May is National Foster Care month. Though it would be good for one to get involved any day or month of the year, if you are not involved as yet then May is a good time to start. Over 450,000 current foster youth need you, the almost 29,000 who will age out during this year need you. I am sure with over 12 million foster care alumni across the country everyone can find at least one who would love a stretched out hand, a restive shoulder to lean on as they may continue to battle to overcome.

To those who read this and have or will face some crosses and tribulations in your life, please………Remember….when you feel your life’s crosses seem overwhelming…. it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. Many bear crosses that we can only begin to fathom. There are those with disabilities, some face terminal illness, others live poor or under dictatorships….the list is endless! You may, in the end, consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined. Whatever your cross…. whatever your pain…. there will always be sunshine after the rain.

The story I shared above is not an imaginary one. It is my story. I share it not to trumpet my own horn but rather to let youth in care or those who have aged out and are having trouble overcoming things endured in their youth before/after care can overcome them.

Yes, I have faced many crosses in my life, I have stumbled and fallen many times trying to carry them. Each time however, I have been able to pick myself up and move a step forward. I will be honest, it has not always been easy nor has it been through my own strength but combined with my own desires, work as well has helping hands of others. There will be crosses for me to bear in whatever life I have remaining…but I will not allow them to overburden or defeat me. I also know that many have far bigger and heavier crosses to me to bear…mine are small and light in comparison. I know if I can do it so can each youth in care today and those who have already aged out…no matter how many years ago you aged out.

It won’t , as I said before “be easy” but if we reach out to each other we can all make it.

People may have failed you in the past, the system may have failed you and there will others along your path who will fail you as has happened to me. All one hopefully can and will do is accept it and move on. But PLEASE….DO NOT ALLOW YOU TO FAIL YOU!!

I now conclude this with a final word of advise for ALL of us: Don’t live in your yesterdays, as they are done and gone. Nothing you did then or others did to you  can be changed. Don’t live for your tomorrow’s for they were never promised to you. Live for TODAY…for today you have complete control over what you do, live it and live it to your fullest potential! Help others to do the same!

A Christmas Prayer, Wish & Gift to All

Dear Family, Friends & Brothers/Sisters of Boys Town~

Today Christmas is less than two weeks away. By now most of us have put up our trees and decorated until they glisten, bought, wrapped and placed under the tree gifts to our family & friends, prepared our Christmas Eve/Day menus.

We are ready to welcome family & friends into our homes to share in the spirit and warmth of the Christmas season.

This is all fine and expected during the holidays.

I do hope each of us will take time to remember the real reason for Christmas. It is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

As you gather with family & friends I pray that you will not only remember the reason for Christmas but will also remember those families that will have an empty chair at their Christmas table. Remember those families with servicemen and servicewomen who are in harms way to protect us. Most importantly remember those family who will have that empty chair each and every year due to the over 5,500 who have paid the ultimate price for our freedoms in Iraq & Afghan conflicts…whether we agree with the conflicts or not.

Take time to remember those Christmas’s past, cherish the memories as we never know whom we may not have with us as we gather next year.

I know I remember my years at Boys Town and how special they made Christmas for those of us who did not have a family or home to call our own. I remember and cherish memories of the 1st Christmas I was able to enjoy with family I found at 52 years of age with my cousin Carol and her family and the year that followed when I met all my family of the Borysiak side of the family. These are memories I will cherish for a lifetime.

Yes, Christmas time is a time for memories, love, spirit, warmth and joy!

My wish and prayer for each of you who read this is a very Merry, Blessed and Joyful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Below is a link to a small Christmas present for each of you:

A Christmas Gift to my Family & Friends:

This is a walk through what is now totally Father Flanagan’s home at Boys Town…back in his day it was not only his home but a dorm for the boys, classrooms & chapel.

Peace, Larry~

More FY 2010 Foster Care/Adoption Data

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

AFCARS data, U.S. Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children, Youth and Families

Because AFCARS data are being continuously updated and cleaned, the numbers reported here may differ from data reported elsewhere in report breakdown. These data reflect all AFCARS submissions by states received by June of 2011.

Adoptions  from foster care   52,340:

married couples…34953, 67%

unmarried couples…1140, 2%

single females…14465, 28%

single males…1392, 3%

10 states with highest # of adoptions from foster care:

CA 6044

TX 4709

FL 3385

MI 2597

PA 2365

NY 2205

AZ 2045

WA 1633

OK 1628

IN 1458

Waiting adoption end of FY 2010 107011:

10 states with highest # “legal orphans” & waiting for adoption:

CA 13396

TX 13111

NY 6603

MI 5236

FL 5011

IN 3092

WA 3089

OH 3011

OK 2872

IL 2844

MA 2758

NOTE: Children 16 years old and older whose parents’ parental  rights have been terminated and who have a goal of emancipation (aging out) have been  excluded from the report.

Data for FY 2011 will not be available until June 2012.

 

FY20010 Foster Care Data

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

AFCARS data, U.S. Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children, Youth and Families

(Based on data submitted by states as of June, 2011)

Children in foster care on September 30, 2010? 408,425

Children exiting foster care during FY 2010? 254,114 via:

Reunification with Parent(s) or Primary Caretaker(s)  51%  128,913

Living with Other Relative(s)  8%  20,423

Adoption  21%  52,340 ( roughly 2,500 fewer than in FY 2009)

Emancipation (Aged Out)  11%  27,854

Transfer to Another Agency  2%  5,114

Runaway (Lost track)  1%  1,504

Death of Child  0%  338

NOTE: Deaths are attributable to a variety of causes, including medical conditions, accidents, and homicide.

Children waiting to be adopted on September 30, 2010? 107,011

NOTES: Waiting children are identified as children who have a goal of adoption and/or whose parental rights have been terminated. Children 16 years old and older whose parents’ parental rights have been terminated and who have a goal of emancipation have been excluded from the estimate.

Fewer youth have been entering foster care the past few years. Youth aging out of care has been increasing. Adoptions have been fluctuating between 50,000-55,000 the past 5 years.

Data for FY 2011 will not be available until June 2012.

Second Book Available On Line…FREE!

After 2 yrs of procrastinating, 3 days of retyping manuscript & necessary html coding my 2nd book is now available on my web site. You can go to my main web site of
http://larrya.us/
 and click on cover of 2nd book or go directly to
http://larrya.us/book1.html
 Since they are no longer being published or available at on line stores here is where you can read both books for FREE -:)

My 1st book, “Lost Son” is my personal memior of years in foster care, search & discovery of my birth family, hope & healing.

This 2nd book, “Give Voice to the Voiceless & Forgotten is poetry, articles, stories & possible solutions to reforming CPS,foster care & adoption.

See why I am so passionate about foster care & adoption reform.

A Response to Penn State Scandal

It has taken me over a week since the Penn State scandal broke to attempt to bring my anger under control and attempt to present a reasoned response to it. I will not say some anger may find its way into this blog entry as it remains but I will attempt to keep it under control. I however cannot remain silent!

Adults, no matter the position they hold in society, are to protect our children. Despite what the Pennsylvania “mandate reporting law” states; the adults involved in this story did not do that. They, in a few situations, may have met the letter of the law but they failed in meeting their moral obligations.

I can speak on this subject matter due to my own personal experiences when I was a youth.

I was raped as a youth and had another sexual abuse situation attempted on me. I for years blamed myself for this. It took me over forty years to even share these experiences with anyone because I was ashamed.

When I wrote my first book about my experiences in foster care I didn’t want to share these experiences but knowing I wanted to be as truthful as possible in my writing they had to be shared, though not in graphic detail.

In my book “Lost Son” I shared the following two instances:

One

“The stability of four years came to sudden end in May, 1960, when I was abruptly removed from the Monshor’s home. I was placed in the Wayne County, Michigan Youth Detention Center. My crime: at age ten I was guilty of not having a family to claim me as their son nor a place to call home.

The Detention Center was to be my home until a new foster home was found. Here I was placed amongst youth offenders who were charged with a wide assortment of crimes. My bed, to start due to overcrowding, would be a thin mattress in the open area of the block.

I am the youngest boy on the block, as well as the smallest. Though I attempted to fight as best I could I was unable to overcome the attacks of older boys. I was repeatedly sexually assaulted.

One day after being assaulted and left naked in a cell, I felt my life was no longer worth living and attempted to hang myself with a belt. I was discovered before the act could be completed and placed in an isolation cell, where I would remain for two months.

Those responsible for the repeated rapes are never charged or held accountable in any manner.”

Two

“On the night of April 15, 1961, I was told to pack my paper bag, and that I would be leaving in the morning. All I could think of was, “Here we go again.”

The final insult of this foster home came on my final night there. Their son, seventeen at the time, came back on the porch late during the night. He nudged me roughly. When I opened my eyes, light was coming through the porch windows so I could see him. He was standing over me, exposing himself, close to my mouth saying, “Take care of this for me.” I remember kicking out at him and then wailing away at him. I hit him everywhere I possibly could creating noises as he crashed into things. All the time I was yelling to arouse the rest of the house.

Finally his Mother came out to see what was going on. I yelled out, with tears rolling down my face, “He tried to force himself on me sexually.” He called me a liar and said he was just checking on me.

His Mother believed him and not me. She said, “You are a rotten no good for nothing boy, a dirty little boy, a liar. No wonder no one wanted me as I wasn’t fit to have anyone to want me. Good thing you will soon be out of our house, you ungrateful little bastard.” At least she got the bastard part correct.

I sat there in stunned silence with what I heard, while crying now uncontrollably. Then I had my chance. I stood up and decked her son. I got a good hit in as I knocked out one of his front teeth…not bad for a scrawny eleven year old.

I was so ashamed of what had happened that  night that I did not share it with the social worker. I have not shared it with anyone as I have remained ashamed until now…forty plus years later.

I always felt I needed to keep it as my dark, dirty secret. As I thought of writing this chapter, I finally came to realize I was not the guilty party that night, I was the victim and thus could now forgive myself and let it go. I still obviously remember that woman’s final words to me. I still shudder when I think of this foster home.”

I share these situations to help you realize how a victim of sexual abuse may respond or not respond to it. The depth of the negative feelings one goes through as well as it may take years before they are able to share it with anyone.

I am sure victims of the Penn State situation could very much identify with what I felt when this happened to me.

In the case of the very graphic incident of 2002 in the football locker room showers it was not abuse that occurred…it was rape it was a felony crime! It was witnessed and yet the police were not called.

The Pennsylvania law does not mandate the average citizen report the above described case to be reported to authorities but rather it be reported up their immediate chain of command on the job. Only seventeen of the fifty states makes it a crime to not report abuse of a child to the authorities. This has to change!

Various officials at Penn Stated failed the youth that were sexually abused. In a few of the cases that have been detailed there were actual witnesses yet they failed to even attempt to stop the abuse they witnessed but only told their immediate superiors of the events.

How the victims must have felt knowing someone could have rescued them but did not!

I feel nothing but contempt for those witnesses who failed these youth!

Though the officials at Penn State are not required under their current laws to notify authorities when they were informed how could they not feel their moral obligation. How could they basically wipe their hands of the matter after they were informed feeling they had met the letter of the law and that was the end of it.

Abuse of a child is despicable! For one to not act to protect a child when they see abuse happening to a child is despicable! For those who are informed that child abuse has happened to not report it to proper authorities is despicable!

I can only hope and pray that those who were abused have or will soon find a way to heal, to realize it was not their fault but rather the fault of the one who abused them. It is my hope that their lives have not already been completely destroyed.

It is time that ALL fifty states pass a law to make it mandatory that whoever witnesses or has reasonable suspicion abuse is happening to a child MUST report it to law officials.  If the states will not do this then the federal government must. This law must be the same in all fifty states. We must protect our youth!!

We can never allow a situation such as Penn State, the Catholic Church (I am Catholic), to ever happen again!

A dying man’s race to adopt

This story needs no commentary from me as it speaks for itself….except have tissues ready!

By ALLEN G. BREED – AP National Writer | AP – Sat, Sep 24, 2011

SHARON, S.C. (AP) — With everything she had to do that morning, Marshall McClain could not believe his wife was wasting time making the bed.

“What are you doing?” he gasped from the brown recliner where he spent his nights.

Tracey McClain was killing time, waiting for the lawyer’s call, waiting to hear whether the adoption was a go and 11-month-old Alyssa would finally be theirs.

Alyssa’s mother had long since given her consent, but attorney Dale Dove hadn’t been in a particular hurry to locate the biological father. In the case of absentee fathers, he told the McClains, the longer the child can bond with the prospective parents before an adoption notice is filed, the better.

“Time is your friend,” Dove had said.

But time had suddenly become the enemy.

An infection raged through the 61-year-old Army veteran’s withered, 115-pound frame, and the intravenous antibiotics couldn’t keep up. Doctors said he had just a couple of days.

But the man who’d survived 60 combat missions in Vietnam had one more task to complete. He wanted to give his name to the little girl who’d been the light of his life these past six months. More importantly, he wanted Alyssa to have the right to collect his benefits after he died.

During the past few days, Dove and others moved heaven and earth to make the adoption happen. An opening had suddenly occurred in the judge’s docket, and Tracey was scrambling to get herself and Alyssa ready and over to Rock Hill, about 40 minutes away.

By the time Tracey returned to the bedroom to say goodbye, the hospice nurse had arrived.

Even with the oxygen tube at his nose, Marshall’s breathing was labored. He was unable to speak, but his eyes were open, and Tracey knew he could understand her as she leaned down to kiss him.

“I love you,” she said. “I’ll be back.”

___

Tracey and Marshall McClain’s life wasn’t perfect — but it was pretty darned close.

They’d met on the job. He was a long-haul truck driver, and she — 17 years his junior — was his dispatcher.

Married on New Year’s Day 1994, they started their own trucking company a year later. Over the next 16 years, they’d built their Charlotte, N.C., business from five tractor-trailers to a fleet of 32 owner-operators.

The couple constructed a spacious three-story house on 33 wooded, northwest South Carolina acres that they shared with three racking horses — Rudy, Hunter and Little Girl — and a pair of goats named Thelma and Louise.

Each had a grown child from a previous marriage. Marshall’s daughter, Amy Lane, lived about three hours away in Summerton; Danielle, Tracey’s girl, lived with them. If there was any diaper changing in their future, they figured it would be for their first grandchild, who was on the way.

But all that changed one Sunday morning last fall, when an 18-year-old stranger walked through the doors at Sanctuary Hills Church of God of Prophecy.

The 2-month-old girl in her arms was pale and spitting up. The young mother appeared distraught.

“I’m not sleeping,” she said. “She’s not sleeping.”

One of the women in the nursery offered to take the baby home for a while. The mother agreed without hesitation.

The McClains added mother and baby to their prayer list, but that was the extent of their involvement — until early January.

The church friend told Tracey that Alyssa had been hospitalized for breathing trouble and dehydration. When Alyssa was ready to be released, the friend asked if the McClains could keep her for the night.

After they got her home, a winter storm hit. By the time the snow had melted off, the McClains were in love.

The mother already had a 3-year-old son. She wasn’t ready to be a mother of two.

“Alyssa … has been passed around to several families that mom did not know much about,” a social worker wrote. The mother “has not bonded with Alyssa.”

On Jan. 28, social services granted the McClains temporary custody. Less than a week later, the mother signed away her parental rights.

___

About two years ago, during a family vacation, Marshall became violently ill. His skin turned a sickly yellow, and the already painfully lean trucker began dropping weight.

Over time, Marshall underwent numerous surgeries to clear blockages or take biopsies. He would bounce back after each operation, only to relapse later.

The business was doing well enough that Marshall decided to retire. When Alyssa came along, he was able to devote full time to raising her.

He was the one who, when she awoke crying, declared that she’d just have to cry herself back to sleep. Five minutes later, he was up to comfort her.

He would sit in his recliner and bounce Alli on his leg, singing “Ride the Horsey” or “Jesus Loves Me.” He worked hard to make sure her first word was “Daddy” — and it was.

When Marshall first became ill, doctors feared it was pancreatic cancer, but tests came back negative. In late March, that initial suspicion was confirmed.

He had just started radiation and chemotherapy when physicians discovered abscesses in his liver. They ordered intravenous antibiotics.

Danielle and her fiance, Kevin Susigan, moved their wedding up a year to May 14 so Marshall could walk her down the aisle.

The first week in July, Marshall went to Carolinas Medical Center near Charlotte for some tests to see how the abscesses were responding to the treatment. While he was there, one of them ruptured.

When doctors said there was nothing they could do to halt the spreading infection, Marshall decided to spend his last few days at home, with family. Tracey asked him if he was frightened.

“The only thing I’m scared of is leaving you here with all this responsibility,” he told her. “But, other than that, I’m ready.”

___

Dove, the lawyer, was on vacation at the beach with his wife. They weren’t scheduled to come home for several days, but something told them to cut their trip short.

He was in his office Friday, July 8, when Tracey called with the news about Marshall.

“Holy cow,” he said. “We need to get this thing DONE.”

Dove’s staff had located Alyssa’s biological father just days earlier. He was at the Moss Justice Center in York, awaiting transfer to prison to begin serving a five-year sentence for drug distribution.

The lawyer had two options.

He could file a notice of adoption proceeding, which would give the father 30 days to respond — days he knew Marshall McClain did not have. Or he could go to the jail and get the man’s consent.

At 8 a.m. the next day, Dove was ushered into a closet-like room with a thick glass partition and a telephone receiver on the wall. On the other side sat a slight young man in an orange jumpsuit.

Dove explained how the McClains had been taking care of Alyssa. He told him of adopting his own daughter 26 years earlier, and what a blessing it had been. Finally, he explained the situation with Marshall McClain, and the need for urgency.

The father — a baby-faced 19-year-old with blond hair like Alyssa’s — was visibly moved. He was leaning toward signing the consent, but demurred: “I don’t know these people.”

“Well,” Dove said. “I can help with that.”

Dove stepped outside and called Tracey McClain. He told her to write a letter introducing herself and Marshall to Alyssa’s father, and to get it there as quickly as possible.

By 1 p.m., Dove was slipping the hastily typed page through the slot at the bottom of the window.

Tracey told the man about Marshall’s service in Vietnam, and about the successful trucking business they had built together. She wrote of their supportive church family, and of the older sisters and cousins who would love and help care for Alyssa.

Tracey promised to send him reports on his daughter’s progress, and to “uphold you in a positive way” to her.

“You would be giving us the greatest gift by allowing us to make Alyssa part of our family,” she wrote.

Tracey had also sent several photos.

“They look like good people,” the young man behind the glass said.

He told Dove he wanted the weekend to think it over. But he didn’t need to wait that long.

Later that day, he sat down with a pen and a piece of yellow legal paper.

He said that he had never known his own father, and was grateful for the McClains’ offer to let him be part of Alyssa’s life. He wanted her — and them — to know that, “Just because I’m locked up doesn’t make me a bad person.”

“The last thing I ever wanted to do was give my daughter away … ,” he wrote. “But you are the parents now and truely have been since the beginning and I have faith in God whatever decisions you make for her will be the best ones.”

___

Dove was gassing up his truck around 9:30 a.m. Monday, July 11, when his assistant called from the jail with news that the father had signed. He immediately called Family Court Judge David Guyton’s office and explained Marshall’s condition to the judge’s assistant, Sandy Neely.

“Is there ANY possibility for the judge to hear the case?” he pleaded.

She put him on hold. After a short time, she came back and asked if they could be there by 1:45.

“Sure,” he replied.

He immediately called Tracey McClain. He was still on the phone with her when he got a beep.

It was Guyton’s office.

“We JUST had a cancellation,” Neely said. “Can you be here by 11?”

Dove looked at his watch. It was nearing 10, and he was still in his jeans. He would have to get home and change into his suit while his staff drafted the paperwork.

“I’ll probably be a few minutes late,” he warned Neely.

As Dove raced home, it dawned on him that he’d have to make sure Alyssa’s court-appointed guardian would be there. And since Marshall would be unable to attend, he wanted the woman who’d done the home study present to attest to the loving atmosphere in the McClain household.

Miraculously, both were available.

Back in Sharon, Tracey McClain hastily pulled on some slacks and a dress shirt. When Danielle came downstairs with Alli still in her pajamas, she told her to go back and change her into a dress.

Dove reached the court building at 11:09. The hearing did not get under way until 11:31.

___

With his close-cropped flattop haircut, chiseled features and ramrod straight posture, Guyton looks every inch the Marine captain he once was — and Army National Guard lieutenant colonel he still is. But he has a special place in his heart for adoptions.

Taped to the inside rim of his bench is a photo of his 7-year-old daughter, Hannah Grace. Dove represented the Guytons in the adoption.

For the record, Dove noted that Marshall McClain was not present in the courtroom.

“This adoption, though, is something that he wanted,” he said. “Is that correct?”

“Yes,” Tracey replied as Alyssa let out a yelp. “I believe that’s what he’s holding on for.”

The guardian and other witnesses were quickly called, heard and dismissed. Squirming in a cousin’s lap, Alyssa cooed as the small pendulum clock over the judge’s left shoulder ticked away the minutes.

Toward the end of the hearing, Dove noticed a serious error in the adoption decree. The couple’s name was misspelled “McCalin” throughout.

Breaking with protocol, Guyton allowed Dove to make the corrections by hand.

The hearing ended at 12:05 p.m. Dove wanted to snap a photo of judge and family, but Tracey said she couldn’t wait, and hurried to her car.

A couple of miles out of town, she dialed home. Danielle answered.

“Tell your dad we’ve got her,” the mother said. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Danielle repeated the news to the room. Her sister Amy leaned close to her father’s ear and whispered, “She’s ours.”

McClain’s breathing eased. The muscles in his face relaxed.

The clerk’s stamp on the final decree reads 12:09 p.m. Marshall McClain’s official time of death was 12:17.

 

A Tribute to a Foster Mother by Riverbird

This entry was written by a young woman who spent part of her youth in foster acre. She wrote this as a tribute to her foster mother this past Mothers Day. I requested and she consented allowing me to post this on my blog as I feel it deserves an audience, Thank you Riverbird (not her real name at her request) for consenting to allow me to post this. The entry speaks for itself!

I have managed to, in my life, have the best and worst moms in the world.

My birth mom was insane and hurt me in ways i’ll likely never fully overcome.
My foster mom saved my life.

My birth mom called me her mistake.
My foster mom believed in me when no one else would.

My birth mom did drugs and “forgot” to feed me.
My foster mom waited patiently when I was too terrified to eat at her house. She even “snuck” me snacks later to make sure I didn’t go hungry.

My birth mom told my school that she wasn’t surprised that I was failing.
My foster mom fought with the school so that they would give me tutors and work with me.

My birth mom told me I was stupid.
My foster mom showed me I was smart.

My birth mom spent hours plotting ways to hurt me.
My foster mom spent hours finding ways to save me.

My birth mom yelled at me and beat me for the smallest of things.
My foster mom was quiet while I yelled and screamed. She knew I needed to get it out.

My birth mom laughed in my face when I was being hurt.
My foster mom helped me rediscover my own laugh.

My birth mom gave me nightmares.
My foster mom helped me to dream.

My birth mom built a life of fear.
My foster mom introduced me to love.

My birth mom kept me from having friends.
My foster mom is the “mom” that my friends get to meet.

My birth mom started my life.
My foster mom will be there for life.

My birth mom has left me with a mothers day of terrifying memories, pain, and unbelievable sadness.
My foster mom has given me a reason to smile and be proud on Mothers Day.

My birth mom may have stolen my past,
But my foster mom gave me a future.

Thank you, Mama D, for bringing me out of the darkness.
_________________

by: Riverbird

 

A Note to Present/Former Foster Youth

The note below was shared on Facebook with the Foster Care Alumni of America Group. It was such an amazing, awesome, heartfelt article that I requested permission to reprint it here on my blog. It expresses so many of the thoughts and heartaches I experienced while in foster care but also shares the positive thought that one can make it no matter the obstacles they may have to over come.

by: Sunday Koffron

Bad stuff happens to good people, it is not fair but it is true. You deserved better than you got. From your original parents, from your workers and from the system, they let you down. That is not your fault. You did not make this mess you are currently sitting in, nope you didn’t. Where you are at is not the wrong place. It is exactly where they dropped you off and left you to your own devices. I would say you are exactly where you would be expected to be. But the truth is if you are not currently incarcerated, homeless, and pregnant by 20, or have lost custody of your own kids, you have already beaten the statistics. Got a job? You are a raging frigging success! I commend you, that is no small feat for folks like us.

Some of us have had it worse than others. Some of us go on to be academically successful; some have great success in their careers. Some of us beat all reasonable expectations by still being alive at 25. What I am saying baby, is that you are ok. I know you don’t believe me now but it is true.

Growing up I was lucky that I had staff and social workers who had come through the system, and they would tell me that I had the power over my own life, that things would get better and that I could do anything I put my mind to. *cough* *choke* *gag* oh yeah, *eye roll* they just didn’t understand what it was like to live in my head. They must not have been as damaged as I was in the first place. They must not have lost as much as I lost. They must not have had to resort to the kind of stuff I did to survive. They just didn’t get what it was like to be me. I just knew they were all wrong about me. I was not like them.

I cut, I drank (I blacked out), I fought, I slept around, I couch surfed for years and I did a lot of really stupid things. I hitch-hiked a crossed this country several time trying to find someplace – any place I belonged. I loved people, hurt people and I made many mistakes. It wasn’t pretty for a while, but I survived, I thrived. …And so will you my sweet, sensitive, wounded little sister (or brother). I can see those eyes rolling now. I know you think I am wrong. I don’t know what it was like to live in your head. I don’t know what it was like to live your life or feel your pain. And I don’t know exactly. But what I do know is that our lives, our pasts, and the amount of pain we have been able to withstand have left us uniquely qualified for survival. You won’t catch me shedding a single tear because the garage door open broke.

There is a lot left here for you to do. You are the voice for our younger foster kin, our little brothers and sisters who are stuck in a broken system, most of whom will find themselves out in the cold and on their own the day they turn 18, just like you and just like me. Your voice can help advocate for them. Your voice can help change that. You have a book to write, a song to sing, a meal to serve, a hand to hold or a billboard to paint. You are crazy strong and foster care gave you a crazy powerful will.

No, you didn’t make that mess, it’s not fair but I know you are capable of cleaning it up. I know you are fully capable of doing anything that you put your mind to. And I know that you have a lot of good left to do in this life. Keep on keeping on, I have high expectations for you.

 

Sen. John Kerry Introduces Reconnecting Youth To Prevent Homelessness Act

This week, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) introduced the Reconnecting Youth to Prevent Homelessness Act to protect children in foster care from ending up on the streets. The bill features a section dedicated to protecting and providing support to LGBT youth.

In a statement, Kerry said preparing for and planning responses to youth homelessness is vital, especially when considering the amount of children that face this challenge.

“As a father, it’s a punch in the gut to imagine children living on the streets, but this year alone, one in fifty American kids will be homeless,” he said. “There are common sense reforms we can implement to help make things better.”

NPR reports that an astounding 40 percent of kids who age out of foster care will become homeless. And according to the National Alliance to End Homelessness, out of the 2 million youths who experience homelessness each year, 1 in 5 identify as LGBT.

Because many LGBT youths find themselves homeless because of familial rejection, the bill would direct the Department of Health and Human Services to create programs that are centered on “reducing dejecting behaviors and increasing supporting behaviors and understanding among families to improve the chances of LGBT youth remaining at home.”

The bill would also make sweeping changes throughout foster care programs, such as keeping kids in the system until they reach 21 years old and creating easier accessibility to funding and education resources.

Ex-Foster Youth ‘RISE ABOVE’

I found this article interesting as well as inspirational for youth of today in the system…it lets them know they to can make it!

April 21, 2011 in Washington Voices

Justin Vinge, Josephine Davis and Mariah Hottell have a lot in common. They’re bright, articulate and successful college students. They’ve also been called disposable, unwanted and told they’d never succeed. These Spokane Falls Community College students are former foster youth who are proving their detractors wrong.

Recently, the three shared their stories at a College Success Foundation storytelling workshop in Issaquah, Wash. The foundation funds and administrates several scholarship programs like Passport to College Promise, which makes it possible for foster care youth to attend college.

“We’re all part of the Passport program,” Hottell, 19, said. For young people who’ve spent their childhoods moving from house to house, never feeling like they belonged, the sense of community they’ve found at SFCC is empowering.

On a recent afternoon, they met in the Student Union Building to talk about their shared experience. They wore black T-shirts imprinted with a bold upward pointing arrow, designed by the 20-year-old Vinge. He said the arrow has two meanings. “It points to the person wearing the shirt and it also means to rise above. I kind of wanted to speak for everyone,” explained Vinge. “We as a whole will rise above.” Gray lettering on the shirt says “Foster Care Alumni.”

He grinned. “We want to beat the crap out of the stereotype.”

Many believe that foster youth are high school dropouts with dim futures. Sadly, it is estimated that less than 3 percent of all foster youth complete college. Most don’t even finish high school and many end up homeless.

Tammy Messing, program support supervisor at SFCC, said, “Currently, we have 20 to 30 foster care alumni – the fact that we have three students graduating is incredibly successful.”

But Vinge said in Washington, the number of foster kids who graduate from high school and do well in college is surprisingly high. Davis, 22, agreed. “Our region does particularly well. I think it’s because of the support system we have here in Spokane.”

Housing, transportation and money management can be difficult for kids who’ve aged out of the foster care system. But Messing said a network of support in the area, including Volunteers of America education advocate Alene Alexander, is making a difference.

That difference is best illustrated in the success of these students who share their stories to encourage other foster youth.

“Lots of kids feel hopeless, but we can beat the system,” Hottell said.

For her “the system” felt like a normal part of life. Child Protective Services was frequently involved with her family. By age 10, Hottell was drinking and smoking pot. “When I was a sophomore we were taken from my mom. I’m the oldest of six. It was really hard at first,” she said.

Eventually she moved in with her grandmother, where she stayed until she graduated from high school. She also found nurturing and solace at a church youth group. “The reason I am where I am is because people have told me, by their actions, that I am worth their time and money, that I am valuable, and that I am worth investing in,” Hottell said. “My church family has been very supportive.”

She finds additional motivation in being a good role model for her 9-year-old sister, Kayla. “I get to have her over on the weekends.”

Hottell recently received her associate degree and plans to continue her education at Gonzaga University or Whitworth University. She attributes her achievement largely in part to the foundation. “They have taken so much of the financial pressure and stress of how I’ll pay for college off of me which allows me to focus on my education.”

Vinge said a lot of his story is hazy, but he counts his obliviousness as a blessing. “When I turned 6 my family life started jumping around a bit.”

At 10 he was placed with his aunt and uncle. “The worst part was not being with my mom or my sister,” Vinge said. But though he had to grow up quickly, he persevered and will graduate from SFCC this quarter and plans to attend Eastern Washington University.

Vinge stays focused on the positive. He points to his shirt. “Despite the hard times we’ve had, we’re going to rise above.”

For Davis, staying positive proved difficult. She was placed in foster care at 6 and stayed in her original placement home until 18. Sadly, the message she received from her foster mother haunted her. In her story for the Issaquah workshop she wrote that she was constantly told, “There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The grass is not greener on the other side. You are not normal and you’ll never succeed – you are a foster child, so you have no future.”

Nothing softened the blow of the words that fell like stones from her foster mother’s lips. With Vinge and Hottell sitting nearby, she recalled those years. “I’m not going to lie – it was hard.” Her dark eyes filled with emotion.

Like many who age out of the system, Davis endured homelessness and felt abandoned by her foster mother. But she said during that time she learned some important life lessons. “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in it. I danced in the emotional and physical abuse. I danced in the abandonment. I danced in the college courses that you think you’d never pass. One thing I love about storms is they pass.”

After finding work and a place to live, Davis said she initially struggled with fears of college inadequacy. “When I first came to SFCC I thought, ‘Can I really do this?’  ”

Yet, now she’s only three classes away from graduation and plans to attend EWU in the fall.

Like Vinge and Hottell she’s determined to use her story to help kids in foster care. “We’re stepping up to the plate,” Davis said.

Her eyes lit up. “Everyone is beautiful and capable of pursuing their passion and what they were made for!”

Then she smiled. “I think I am beautiful,” she said. “And I’m proud to be foster alumni.”

A Suggested Gift for a Found Birthparent

Might I make a suggestion? If you find one of your birth parents and a reunion is planned I have an idea for a gift.

When I met my birthmother for the first time at Newark Airport in 1986, I gave her thirty-six red roses; one for each of the thirty-six years of the life she had given me. This is not the gift idea.

During the time of my search I began putting together a scrapbook. The book included pictures of years she had missed, news articles of some of the  accomplishments in my life and a letter about me, why I searched and that I was happy I located her. Photos I was able to share came from age 11 until present as at that time I had no photos of me prior to age 11; I received some only after she passed away. The photos I used was from old Boys Town Times and Boys Town Yearbooks. The news articles also were from the Times, Omaha World Herald, my college newspaper and New York City newspapers. She would be able to see and read of my life from age 11 until 36 when I met her for the first time.

I also made the same book during this time in the event I searched for and found my birthfather.

As I left her suite at the end of our first day together, I gave her “my book” so that she could view/read it privately after I left.

When I met her the next morning she greeted me with tears, a hug and a thank you. Despite how our relationship ended twelve years later, I believe that book is something she treasured for the rest of her life.

She passed away in October 2001.

A Few Pointers When Searching for Birth Family

If you are considering a search for your birth family you may have fears as you search, but don’t let them stop you…even if you end up with a rejection or a negative reunion…you will end up a far stronger person…I know I did.

Hopefully, during your search, you will find that as you grow as an individual, you will also become stronger and develop realistic expectations for what you may discover during your journey.

If you have made the decision to search, please remember these few items of advise:

1. Think about the reasons you want to reunite with your parent, child or sibling.

Remember, they have a family and so do you. You can’t turn the clock back or expect to fill the role that you have not played all these years. You are adults, strangers with genetic ties, coming together to build a relationship. Be realistic about the role that you feel you can play in their life and vice versa.

2. You must go into the reunion with realistic expectancies, not fanciful hopes.

If you make someone out to be perfect, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. People get hurt when they have unrealistic expectations, and those expectancies are dashed. These unrealistic expectancies can set you up for failure. It is not what happens in people’s lives that upsets them, it’s whether or not what happens in their lives is what they expected that upsets them. Don’t allow yourself to think that everything in your life will suddenly be resolved overnight once you reunite, or you will be let down.

3. A reunion is an event, but the relationship is a process that needs time to unfold.

You have to really work to build a relationship and you have to be patient. Start out with the goal of finding something that is comfortable for everybody, and don’t put any pressure on yourself.

Allow a natural evolution of things to take place.

Like all relationships, expect your relationship with the person you have reunited to go up and down. Your best chance for having a good relationship long term is to take it slow and move at a measured pace. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Be patient and let it unfold naturally, so that it will be lasting. You don’t want to do anything that would cause this coming together to separate you again.

Here is a link to the blog I wrote almost four years ago which provides numerous tips for those who may chose to search for birth family members:

http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/2007/07/28/a-search-guide-for-birth-parentsadopteesfoster-youth/

Making Adoption Work

I found this article the other day and found it to be quite interesting. Though it deals with international adoption I feel some of the solutions at the end of the article could also assist in getting youth adopted from foster care in a more timely manner. Though I post this article it does not mean I endorse it in its’ entirety.

Making Adoption Work
by Danielle Friedman, The Daily Beast

When it comes to adoption, the struggles of those on both sides of the equation are too often shrouded in secrecy.

And so, with the hope of pulling back the curtain, The Daily Beast brought together more than a hundred world-class experts—professionals and parents alike—Wednesday morning for our second Women in the World salon series event, Forgotten Children: International Adoption and the Global Orphan Crisis.

Giving voice to outspoken parent advocates such as actor Hugh Jackman and dignitaries including Ambassador Susan Jacobs, Secretary Clinton’s special adviser on children’s issues, the event aimed to jump-start an international effort to help the world’s most vulnerable victims.
The crisis is a staggering one: Thanks to the combined impact of war, poverty, and AIDS, the world is now home to 163 million orphans—children who’ve lost at least one parent. Add to that an additional 20 million “displaced children,” and the number in need is larger than the population of Russia. Some live in institutions, some on the streets—in manholes or garbage dumpsters, as The Daily Beast’s editor in chief, Tina Brown, noted in her opening remarks. The question posed to each attendee was: How can we help?

In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, and gathered at Urban Zen in Manhattan’s West Village—a loft-like event space and foundation founded by Donna Karan, geared toward empowering children—the eclectic group of attendees attempted to tackle this complex issue.

For many Americans, our first impulse in confronting what Brown described as a “heartbreaking challenge” is to bring these children into our own homes, as glamorously advertised by the likes of Angelina Jolie and Madonna. And in a one-on-one interview, renowned adoption specialist Dr. Jane Aronson—a pediatrician who’s been nicknamed “the orphan doctor,” and CEO and founder of the Worldwide Orphans Foundation—spoke frankly about the realities of this choice. (Personal Note: I met Dr. Aronson at a World Conference of World Initiative for Orphans in Boston in 2007…she is an amazing woman.)

Given the lack of prenatal care in many developing countries, many orphans start life “blighted,” Aronson told Brown, malnourished before they’re even born. They’re then exposed to trauma after birth, leading to physical and developmental delays. The key for prospective parents is to approach adoption with eyes wide open. “Children have these problems, and we have to be honest about those problems,” Aronson said. “People need to know what they’re getting into. And they need to then either step up to it, or not sign on for it.”

“There are many families who’ve stepped up and adopted special-needs kids, and done an amazingly brilliant job,” she continued. But “if this is not for you, be honest with yourself. Don’t do something that’s beyond what you can do, and don’t feel badly about it, don’t feel guilty.”
The crisis is a staggering one: Thanks to the combined impact of war, poverty, and AIDS, the world is now home to 163 million orphans—children who’ve lost at least one parent.

Yet even when parents step up, the challenges can seem overwhelming—as in the controversial case of Torry Ann Hansen, who sent her 7-year-old adopted son back to Russia last spring. To help parents cope, Aronson encourages reaching out to “post-adoptive resources,” from social workers to neuropsychologists. “We are so lucky in the U.S.,” she said. “We have the resources here to help families. Not all countries do.”

And indeed, other speakers echoed Aronson throughout the morning, calling for better post-adoptive services worldwide. (For additional information on these resources, visit: Worldwide Orphans Foundation; Better Care Network; Adoption Institute.)

But many agree that adoption is just one of many options. In a panel led by Nightline’s Cynthia McFadden (who herself was adopted), several speakers suggested that a more sustainable—and compassionate—solution is to invest in struggling communities around the world, as opposed to airlifting children away from the problem.

“Adoption should probably be the third-best option,” said Deborra-Lee Furness. A co-host of the event, Furness, who is married to Jackman, is an actress, adoptive mother, and adoption advocate. First, children should be placed with other biological family members, she said, then with a family in their community. “And then, when you have exhausted all those options, then international adoption should be the best option.”

While a child’s health and safety are most important, esteemed filmmaker Deann Borshay Liem —who was adopted from South Korea when she was 8 years old—underscored a child’s connection to his or her birth home. “I gained tremendously by coming to this country,” she said. “But on the other hand, I lost everything I loved by coming to this country”—her family, identity, language, and even memories. “One does not replace the other.”

Bridging the two so-called camps on the issue, Dr. Sophie Mengitsu, who runs the Worldwide Orphans Foundation in Ethiopia, proposed that the agencies that help with international adoption also vow to help the struggling communities from which these orphans come.

While working to combat the root causes of the orphan crisis may be noble, many point out that—in the meantime—parents who hope to adopt internationally often face frustrating delays. In part due to the regulations of the Hague Adoption Convention, which aims to protect against an often-corrupt global system, rife with trafficking and abuse, the process can be grueling—while children fall further behind. In one of the event’s more alarming moments, Mengitsu spoke passionately about the damage that living in an orphanage can have: For every three months in an institution, a child’s developmental is delayed by approximately one month. Kids are “better off in the streets” than in an institution, she said.

While UNICEF often takes the blame for slowing the process down, panelist Susan Bissell, the organization’s chief of child protection, explained: They’re just one of many agencies working to tackle the issue.

“People have the impression that UNICEF is way more powerful than we are,” she said. “Child protection is only one small piece of what we do.” To solve the crisis requires a global effort.

In the final portion of the breakfast, each of the 13 tables—led by co-hosts including fashion designer Vera Wang, actress and model Isabella Rossellini, and actress Alfre Woodard—discussed concrete steps. Solutions included training siblings to care for one another and building orphanages in close proximity to communities and neighbors; pressuring government leaders to get involved, and approaching the orphan crisis as a future security risk.

And indeed, looking to the future may help to explain the sense of urgency permeating the discussion. Borshay Liem perhaps put it best, when reflecting on her own journey: “Children who are adopted also grow up.”

Here are the final nine solution ideas coming out of this conference:

1. THINK LOCAL
Support the communities in nations where orphanhood and adoption are major issues—Bulgaria, Ethiopia, Serbia, and Vietnam, to name a very few. Paying attention to local issues and trying to solve problems locally is one of the first ways to begin implementing change.

2. EXAMINE THE ROOTS
Extreme poverty, which affects 1.4 billion people, is the leading cause of orphanhood. Maternal and neonatal health are negatively impacted in places where there is neither money nor education to eradicate poverty and the problems that stem from it. Family planning, said many attendees, will help bring about change.

3. ENCOURAGE CONSCIENTIOUS ADOPTION
Parents who decide to adopt children from other countries have a plethora of issues to keep in mind. As attendee Pat Williams, a Columbia law professor, stated, “We must not shy away from the degree to which adoption has, in many if not most places, become a form of trafficking in and of itself.  The exchange of money that occurs in so much of the private adoption context—the literal purchase of children—is one reason that countries like Guatemala and Nepal have restricted international adoption.

This kind of commodification allows many to think it is appropriate or healthy to “return” adopted children when problems arise—like so much ‘damaged goods’—as though any child comes with a warranty of perfection.”

4. BETTER TRAIN ORPHANAGE WORKERS
Improving the overall quality of orphanages, training employees, and involving the community in those issues will help. Ensure orphanages are located near the communities where the children are from, and encourage visitation with biological families whenever possible. Actress Alfre Woodard, an adoptive mother herself, stood to offer the suggestion that South African YMCAs have already begun to implement: head-of-household assistance, in which the oldest child is nurtured by the community and educated, so he or she can take care of any younger siblings.

5. REGISTER CHILDREN WITH BIRTH CERTIFICATES
250 million children do not have birth certificates, according to statistics. With the training mentioned above, and governmental involvement, these children can emerge from the shadows of the system.

6. VET ADOPTION AND AID ORGANIZATIONS
Editor Tina Brown and her table suggested building a clearing house for individual and media perusal, which would enable individual, corporate, and other interested donors or volunteers to see which organizations are the best at what they do. GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), noted one participant, is a great model for a sovereign arbiter. Foreign aid should be evaluated as well. “Everything we do has to have a metric, and a standard,” said Dr. Jane Aronson, the CEO and founder of the Worldwide Orphans Foundation.

7. SPREAD AWARENESS
The room called for a social media strategy connected to all organizations and the continuing dialogue. Adam Pertman, Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, suggested creating a media component to broaden understanding of the problem and build public/policy-maker support. Talk directly with the communities, grassroots-style, offered others. And of course, reach out to the media. “There are two journalists at my table,” said actor Hugh Jackman, whose wife, Deborah Lee Furness co-hosted the breakfast. “Their job is to shine a little light on these issues.”

8. DEMAND GOVERNMENTAL ADVOCACY
Pressure governments to prioritize child welfare, which is “like the Wild West,” noted Woodard. Ask government agencies speed up the adoption process; public-private partnerships to buy into. “Change the issue from a moral issue into a security issue” to garner broader attention and support, offered Jackman.

9. FOSTER RESEARCH, EDUCATION & OUTREACH
Develop a research base to answer questions, build support, and move forward in a methodical way. Identify causal factors for the problems, then develop methods to prevent and deal with them. Designate celebrity ambassadors and organize group volunteer visits. Encourage fundraising at every turn. And, as editor Tina Brown said, “We will do this every year.”