Was Search for Birth Family Worth It?

Having done a successful search for my birth family, but a not so positive reunion…I still say the journey was worth it!

I began my journey years ago after suffering a heart attack at age thirty-one and having to answer the embarrassing question from the doctors about family medical history with a, “I don’t know.”

I was placed for adoption at birth, but ended up never being adopted. In the first eleven years of life I was moved to three institutions and eleven foster homes before finding stability at Boys Town, Nebraska.

Though I was fortunate to have my birth mother’s name from the start of my search, it still took four, long years of searching before she was located…it would take another four years before I found my birth father.

My birth mother was an alcoholic and still years after my birth, harbored the hatred toward her father for forcing her to give me up for adoption. Her life had not been an easy one. I believe she also resented the fact that my life turned out better than anything she could have been able to offer me, such as a college education and good career.

She had four more children after me. She did raise those children and was unable to offer them the opportunities I had been given.

My birth father ran when he found my birth mother was pregnant as he had done once before while serving in Germany during W.W.II. He had one more child after my birth.

Neither reunion was a positive one. After twelve years my birth mother gave me up a second time because I am gay. She wished I had never been born and that I would die of AIDS rather than her having to bear the burden of being the mother to a gay son.

My birth father was always distant and cold. I only met with him once for an hour out on his back patio.

Both have since died.

My five half-siblings rejected me.

I was able to thank my birth mother for at least giving me life and also thank her for her decision to give me up the first time. Her decision was a wise one.

She also was able to provide the needed medical information.

She provided just enough information for which I have after several more years of searching, been able to locate extended family and spent my first Christmas with a number members of my “real family” in 2002. This Christmas past I met yet another twenty-eight entended family members. They have welcomed me with the openess and love my immediate birth family could not.

I have also discovered my heritage and have been able to trace my great, great maternal grandparents roots back to Poland.

Yes, it took years of searching and yes, the reunions were not all positive. Yet they provided the answers I was looking for and finally answered the main question of WHO AM I?

I went into the search expecting little to nothing to result…I found far more than I could have ever expected.

I share all this to let you know…despite the ups and downs of the journey…I found the journey was worth it and I would do it all over again.

If you are considering a search you may have fears as you search, but don’t let them stop you…even if you end up with a rejection or a negative reunion…you will end up a far stronger person…I know I did.

Hopefully, during your search, you will find that as you grow as an individual, you will also become stronger and develop realistic expectations for what you may discover during your journey.

If you have made the decision to search, please remember these few items of advise:

1. Think about the reasons you want to reunite with your parent, child or sibling.

Remember, they have a family and so do you. You can’t turn the clock back or expect to fill the role that you have not played all these years. You are adults, strangers with genetic ties, coming together to build a relationship. Be realistic about the role that you feel you can play in their life and vice versa.

2. You must go into the reunion with realistic expectancies, not fanciful hopes.

If you make someone out to be perfect, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. People get hurt when they have unrealistic expectations, and those expectancies are dashed. These unrealistic expectancies can set you up for failure. It is not what happens in people’s lives that upsets them, it’s whether or not what happens in their lives is what they expected that upsets them. Don’t allow yourself to think that everything in your life will suddenly be resolved overnight once you reunite, or you will be let down.

3. A reunion is an event, but the relationship is a process that needs time to unfold.

You have to really work to build a relationship and you have to be patient. Start out with the goal of finding something that is comfortable for everybody, and don’t put any pressure on yourself.

Allow a natural evolution of things to take place.

Like all relationships, expect your relationship with the person you have reunited to go up and down. Your best chance for having a good relationship long term is to take it slow and move at a measured pace. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Be patient and let it unfold naturally, so that it will be lasting. You don’t want to do anything that would cause this coming together to separate you again.

5 Responses

  1. Thank you.
    I SO needed this right now.
    Thank you.
    Possum. xxx

  2. Glad it may be of help to you!

  3. You said your mother was forced to give you up so I don’t understand why you thank her for that wise decision, maybe thank your father for not giving her a choice? How sad that she can’t accept you the way you are, I am sorry people are still so stupid about homosexuality. Thank you for writing this, it’s good to have posts about reunion out her for others to read.

  4. Thank you for writing this. I have a good friend who is also an adoptee. She isn’t so thrilled with her reunion, but is so happy that she searched. Knowing is always better than wondering. The truth sets us free.

  5. I was directed here by a friend…thank you so much for putting it out there for the rest of us to benefit from. I’m so sorry that your Bmom couldn’t accept you for who you are… I get that from my own family & I’m not adopted…I am a Bmother, though… I just finally met him face to face 4 months ago and things are going really well. I was willing to accept whatever outcome was meant to be, and had (have) unconditional love for him no matter what. I would’ve been happy that I searched however things happened to turn out, just to finally KNOW something. Thank you for your very powerful post.

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