Why Search for Birth Family?

Why search? Why not leave the past alone? What do you hope to gain from your search? These were just a few of the questions asked of me during the course of my search.

Most questions came from people who were raised by their birth parents. They knew their heritage. They had extended family to share their lives. They knew of potential medical problems that might arise in their lives.

They had no understanding or appreciation for those of us who have gone through life, without any of the above or the void it left within us. They do not know what it would be like not to have any of the above.

My search went far beyond even my wildest dreams.

The question still is; WHY? Why did I go beyond the original intent of getting simple medical information? Why did I want to find my birth Mother? Why did I ever want to meet her? Why did I want to know my roots? Why take twenty years spending great amounts of time, energy and money researching my family history? Why look for living members of an extended family?

Every child, at some point, questions who they are, where they came from and so forth. Most are able to have the answers easily provided by a parent or other member of their family. Adoptees or many children of the foster care system, such as I, do not have that available to them. For adoptees in particular, of my generation, it is denied them by law. We are expected to go through life never knowing the answers to those questions. Many are even ridiculed for entertaining such questions.

I searched for the answers to all those questions because I am like any other normal individual. More importantly, I had the right to know! I searched first for information; then to fill a void in my life. I would like to think if the search had ended with just information, I would have been satisfied. Of course, knowing all I do today, it might not have been. Each person searching needs to know when enough is enough for them.

My search had its ups and downs. My initial search to just find the information needed to locate my birth mother to get medical information, took four years. It would take another four years before I would find and meet my birth Father. They have both since passed away. During that time, I had to learn how to be a detective; to ask questions, that to most would have appeared stupid. I even had to learn to lie to just get the information I wanted.

I found my birth mother, my birth Father as well as siblings. None were very cooperative in answering my questions about family health, heritage or genealogy. If they had been, it might have saved me sixteen more years of research.

I have now found most the answers to my questions. The void that was in my life has been filled. I now feel I am a whole person; I know who I am and where I came from. I am now in the position that children raised by their birth parents are in. I no longer have to feel different or abnormal. I found far more information about my family genealogy than I ever expected to. I found and met members of my extended family. I can now see in pictures family resemblance’s and say…see I belong! In learning about my great grandparents, aunts, uncles and Polish people as a whole, I learned, in so many ways, why I am the person I am today.

My search was satisfied when I was able to sit with my birth Mother and find out the true story of my birth; the gut-wrenching decision she made to give me up, and why; my true Polish heritage and the vague medical history that would allow me to better care for myself. I would have been satisfied if she had just provided me these facts in a letter and not agreed to meet me. I would have had the basic information I desired.

The fact she agreed to meet me, despite how our relationship turned out, was above and beyond what I had hoped for or expected during my search. Of course, because I found out I was Polish and because my grandfather was ashamed of this heritage, I continued my research to find out as much as I possibly could about my family. I wanted to know why and when my ancestors came to America, what they did with their lives… I wanted to be proud of them. I have achieved that goal.

My only real regret is that I waited so long before I began to search. If I had begun at age eighteen or twenty-one, I might have been able to meet many aunts and uncles who were still living at the time. By the time I did begin my search and found all eleven children of my great grandparents, they were deceased. What a missed opportunity on my part.

I have been privileged to get to know some of my extended family and they have added so much to the picture. Through them, pictures and stories have been shared with me. You can only imagine the intense feelings I had when I saw the pictures of my birth parents, great grandparents or other family members or the first time; the feelings when I walked through the homestead my great grandfather built with his own hands 112 years ago; the feelings when sitting with an 89 year old first cousin and hearing stories of my great grandparents, her mother, aunts and uncles or the feelings when being able, at the age of 52, to spend my FIRST CHRISTMAS with family I could call my own.

This is why I searched. The desire to be made whole. The desire to know, that even when your birth parents may reject you…you still are a part of a family and a heritage. I had a good life prior to beginning my search and have done well during the search. The end result of my search just has made it better.

Twenty years ago, I knew nothing of my birth mother, my heritage or my family history. Today, I know more than I had ever expected to be able to know. Even though I feel I have had a successful life to this point, it is only today that I can declare…I am whole! I finally have a sense of belonging, of knowing who I am. I am finally proud of who I am, where I came from and of those within my family who came before me. I am proud to be able to proclaim my heritage is Polish!

This is why anyone would search.

Why, when millions around the world who were raised by their birth parents do genealogical research to learn more of themselves and their heritage is it considered normal? When an adoptee or person in my situation does the same its considered abnormal? Seems hypocritical to me!

I firmly believe ALL have the right to know who they are, where they came from, family heritage and genealogy, no matter the circumstances under which they came into this world.

It is OUR information locked behind vault doors and we have a right to it!

7 Responses

  1. And another GREAT post.
    I’m so very glad I found your blog.
    I’m linking to this also.
    It’s great to have adoptees on the internet – and even better to have those that have been reunited for awhile.
    It’s also FANTASTIC to see another male adoptee in Blogland.
    Thank you for being here.
    Possum. xx

  2. I am not an adoptee. I was placed for adoption at birth but never adopted. I lived my youth in foster care..16 placements. Other than having my “original birth certifictae” I had to go through many of the same hoops adoptees do in order to find my birth family. It took 4 yrs and several thousands of dollars to find my birth mother and another 4 yrs to find my birth father. Though my search began 25 years ago…I am still finding extended family members today.
    I will soon be adding to my blog a resource guide for birth parents and adoptees to assist in searching for each other.

    Peace,
    Larry~

  3. Thanks so much Larry.
    I know – sorry – you’re not actually an adoptee – but your voice is very simliar to one – with even more heartache added because of your Foster care experiences. (holy crap – 16 placements – I don’t have the words to explain my sadness at your experiences)
    This blog is already a wonderful resource – thank you for adding so much here.
    Again – I’m thrilled to have found you!!
    Poss. xx

  4. I am very happy to be able to be a resource for others who have experienced some of the same things I have…though different since I was not adopted.
    I am very active in the fight to open adoption records…everyone has the right to know who they are, where they came from, etc. The secrets of the past must be opened to exposure…we have the RIGHT to know!

    Peace,
    Larry~

  5. Larry,
    Thanks for your blog. I am a pastor and seminary student in Pasadena, CA and tomorrow I’m going to be preaching about Jesus’ identity, namely His family line which is outlined in a couple of passages in the New Testament. Originally I was looking for a way to incorporate a real-life story about having embarrassing ancestors (Jesus had more than a few), but I wasn’t able to think of a good one from my own family. So, I hopped on Google for the heck of it and somehow found my way to your blog as I surfed various ancestry-related sites. After reading about what you and so many others have to go through, I was really touched and felt inspired to change the focus of my sermon, or at least the introduction anyway, to talk more about how important our family lineage is to us instead of trying to find a story about embarrassing ancestors. Sadly, in preparing for this sermon, it hadn’t even occurred to me–true to form for someone who knows his parents, I suppose–that so many people don’t even know their ancestors. So, I want to thank you for your blog and let you know how much it impacted me. If it’s OK with you, I’d like to actually quote some of your words from this 7/28/07 post in the sermon to demonstrate just how much our identity matters to us.

    Anyway, I wish that I had found your blog sooner so I could have time to more properly ask your permission. I think I’m going to go ahead and quote you and hope that it’s OK with you. If not, I’ll ask for your forgiveness…I just figured you wouldn’t mind me sharing with a group of folks your first-hand thoughts on this critically important issue. If you happen to get this tonight and don’t want me to quote you, just drop me a line. I’ll check before I leave for church in the morning.

    Please feel free to email me at krulldaddy@yahoo.com. Again, thanks.

    Grace and peace to you.

    Dana

  6. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

  7. Hi. I was surfing for questions to ask birth mothers once found and located your blog. I, too am an adoptee and have just located my birth mother. I haven’t talked to her yet, but she does want to speak to me. I had 2 wonderful adopted parents, the best that anyone could wish for, but I still want to find out my heritage, medical history, etc. I am an only child and just found out that my birth mother has 4 children, 1 daughter and 3 sons, so I guess I am not an only child anymore, I actually have half-siblings. I am 54 years old and have been searching for about 20 years, but it seems like my search has paid off. Thanks again for your blog.

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