I Was the Child Left Behind

Thoughts of a one lovingly placed for adoption…an adoption that would not happen but rather 18 years of foster care.

I watched others being chosen. I was ignored.

I hoped. I waited.

Sometimes they wanted girls, sometimes boys.

Sometimes they wanted a brother and a sister under

I was too young.

I was too old.

Sometimes they looked for a child who had blue eyes.

Sometimes they looked for a child who had curly hair.

They looked and whispered that I was too short.

They said I was too fat.

Sometimes I was too tall or just “Not quite right.”

I wished that someone would come see me and choose me.

I don’t have much hope anymore.

They took some away.

They took little babies.They took pretty girls.
They even took young boys.

I am not sure where they took them.

They said they go across America.

They said some even go to other countries.

When I had hope, I hoped I could just go.

That was before I knew that I was too young or too
old, or too tall or too short, too fat or ” Not quite

My hope gone. I was the child left behind.

http://www.larrya.us (my web site)

What’s It Like?

Questions of a former foster child: This blogger waited 36 years to just say HELLO to my birth mother and 40 years to do the same with my birth father. Despite this most these question have remained unswered and will forever remain so as both are deceased.

What’s it like:

To know there were shouts of joy by all when you were born?

To have a mother or father hug and kiss you because they love you?

To feel proud as you run “home” from school with your first A and share it with your parents?

To play catch, fish and other things a son does with your dad?

To be able to say “my family”?

To say “my house”?

To say “mom and dad” and know they truely are?

To hear “C’mon Son!”?

To show your dad you can ride without training wheels?

To feel it “neat” to introduce your teacher to your parents?

To share your joy of high school and college graduation with your family?

To hear your life stories from your family?

To answer, “what does your dad do”?

To share pictures of you and your family with others?

To get a family heirloom?

To say you have lived here for X number of years?

To know a “family friend”?

To hear and say “I love you” and know it is meant?

To have Thanksgiving and Christmas with family?

To not feel “attention seeking” when telling your life story?

To answer the doctor’s question…”What is your family medical history?

To answer the question…”So… where is your family from”?

To say to anyone that…”This is my family?”

Please…What’s It Like?…tell me for it is the only way I will know…What’s it Like!

Diary of an Unborn Son

May 3, 1949
I am here today though my mommy doesn’t know it; she
will feel me real soon.

Late May 1949
I am a boy! I can see now and I even have a tail in
which to swim, I love my mommy even if she doesn’t
know that I am her little boy, I am here!

June 1949
My mommy knows I am here, I can feel the love swelling
up in her. I give her a hug with my tiny hands but I
don’t think she can feel them yet, I wonder if she
knows my name is Larry, I will have to tell her that
when I see her that is my name you know.

Early July 1949
My mommy will be proud of how fast I am growing, I
have allot of space to swim around. I am very warm and
secure. She rubs her belly I can feel her warmth. I am
going to pick flowers for my mommy when I am out.

Late July 1949
She brought us to a doctor today. She can’t hear my
heart yet but I hear her tell the doctor that I feel
like a little butterfly. I have a little bit of hair;
I wonder what color of hair my mommy has?

August 1949
My mommy is sad. I can feel her crying. I give her a
big hug cuz my arms are real big now. She cries a lot
when I kick her but I am just telling her I love her.

September 1949
My mommy brought us to a doctor again. She heard my
heart, she said it sounded like horses racing. I don’t
know what a horse is but I know that I like the sound
of her heart. It makes me feel safe and warm cuz I
know that she is there.

Early November 1949
My mommy is crying again. She sings you are my
sunshine to me.I like that she makes me sleepy. I try
not to put my feet in her ribs but I am so big I can’t
move around. I wonder why my mommy is always crying,
it makes me feel sad.

Mid-November 1949
I am so big now I can hiccup. My mommy thinks this is
funny and she pats my bottom with her hand. I don’t
know why but that takes my hiccups away. She eats my
favorite food for me. I like peanut butter, I hope she
makes peanut butter sandwiches for me when I come out.
We can sit and eat peanut butter sandwiches and drink
milk. I will sit on her knee after so she can sing me
a song. I love my mommies voice.

December 1, 1949
My mommy is sad again. She told me that she my grandma
and grandpa don’t understand. Why I wonder? They will
love me like you do because I am so cute.

January 1, 1950
Mommy started to cry again. When I get out I will tell
my mommy that I am a good boy and she doesn’t need to
cry anymore because I love her, and then I will give
her a great big hug with my big arms, and she will be

February 1, 1950
We went to see the doctor again, I heard her ask the
doctor to see me. I don’t know how she could see me
cuz I am in here. She saw me though and she giggled
and started crying again, boy my mommy cries lots.

February 6, 1950 morning
We went to the doctor yet again and my mommy was
talking very loudly. I wonder why she is upset, maybe
she wants to see me real bad. She is crying real hard
and it is hurting me. I think I should try to come out
now cuz maybe I am hurting my mommy and she needs to
hug me.

February 6, 1950 evening
My mommy is screaming and my mommy’s belly is trying
to push me out. I think it is too squishy in here
anyway because I am such a big boy.

February 7, 1950 early morning
I am coming out of my mommy now. Wow, its bright out
here. I am not going to cry because I don’t want my
mommy to be sad anymore cuz her big boy is here

February 7, 1950 mid-morning
This isn’t my mommy holding me, she doesn’t smell
right, I am going to cry now. Mommy, mommy where are
you? Come and get me Mommy!

February 7, 1950 late afternoon
Mommy has left me. I can’t hear my mommy anywhere. I
am cold. I am scared. Why did you leave me mommy?

(Note) My birth mother did not see me before she left; at 19, unwed and unable to provide she had been convinced it would be better to place me for adoption. She found out when I was 36 and found her I was never adopted but lived my entire childhood in foster care.

http://www.larrya.us (my web site)