25 Years Have Passed Since Finding Birthmother

I was sitting around doing nothing a few days ago and suddenly the thought came into my mind; today, March 25th would be the 25th anniversary since I found my birthmother. First I could not believe that 25 years had already passed. Secondly it caused me to reflect back on my 4 year search, 12 year relationship, the bitter end of our relationship and finally the almost 10 years since she passed away.

Today as I commemorate what was a momentous day in my life it is bitter sweet as I reflect all that passed in the 25 years that have gone by.

I began my search in early 1982 when there was no Internet to make searches somewhat easier for folks. It was a long, costly 4 years to reach this day in 1986. The cost was physical, mental as well as financial.

Shortly after beginning my search I sat down and wrote a letter to my birthmother which I would send if I found her; whether she ever agreed to a relationship or not. I gave her a copy of the letter when we first met but kept the original which later was published in my book:

1st Letter to Birthmother:

http://www.larrya.us/mother1.html

I also shared the story of my search/discovery which led to this day 25 years ago:

 

Search/Discovery:

http://www.larrya.us/discovery.html

Not quite two months after this date we were to meet for the very first time though I was already 36 years old. I was to find out the story I had longed to hear for many years…WHY? I would also learn much more, some I was did care to find out but never the less was part of the reunion experience. Her story, our relationship and the bitter end is shared below:

 Birthmother’s Story:

 

Below was to be the final letter ever written to my birthmother. There would be numerous attempts at a reconciliation on my part but it never was to be; as you read in the previous link. She would never read the letter but eventually I was able to read it to her whether she wanted to hear it or not.

 

Last Letter to Birthmother:

 

On October 23, 2001, my birthmother passed away.

In 1982 I began my search in the valley, never knowing if in the end it would result in my finding her. Today, 25 years ago I reached the mountaintop as I found her. This resulted in a stormy, strained 12 year relationship which ended with me back in the deep valley.

Though I stated my answer many times in the past several years I am still asked, Was the search worth it & do you regret having done it?

Yes, absolutely the search was worth it and I DO NOT regret having pursued it nor any of the things that passed in the years since.

I found out who I was, my heritage, answers to so many questions I had while growing up and most of all I was able to have a 12 year relationship with my birthmother. We were able to experience things we never would have if I had not taken the risk of searching for her. The search and all that followed made me a stronger person. I was in many ways able to put my childhood and most of its heartaches behind me, though at times the wounds do reopen for a period.

I thank God that my birthmother did not chose to have a back alley abortion, which is all that was available back in 1950. I am also thankful that she made the wise decision to give me up for adoption though that never came to be. I am thankful the she was a part of my life, even for a brief period and for the pain she caused.

Today as I commemorate this 25th anniversary I continue to pray that in death she found the peace she never was able to find in life and I raise a glass to her thankful that she gave me life!

4 Responses

  1. Larry, I am so thankful that you can give me insight into how my boys must feel and the feelings they may experience as they get older and realize that they were adopted and all that that means. It is no secret that they are adopted; but I am not sure they quite get it yet, as they are 7 years old now.
    God bless you for being such an understanding son. This post is very inspiring.
    Thank you for sharing!!

  2. Amazing story. Well done. At least you can rest assured that your mother did not know you when abandoning you. Think about those whose mothers knew them (age 8 – 11) and then abandoned them. I think it much worse emotionally and the scares much deeper when you actually have bonded for a decade.

    • David, this is a misconception. From the moment my daughter was born, I loved her as only a mother could. My soul was amputated the day that I was forced to sign those papers. I love her no less than my raised children. There are women who relinquish chldren for adoption that do not love nor want them. MOST, however, wanted thier children and were/are severely traumatized by the seperation. The majority of us suffer from post-traumatic stress and do not retain most of our memories surrounding birth or adoption. We are tossed back into society breasts bound, bleeding from birth and told to forget and never speak of the family shame again. Reunion can bring back these memories.

  3. This was a bit of a tough one for me. Your understanding and acceptance is amazing. I am very troubled by your natural mothers reaction to you. As a mother of adoption loss, I was fully prepared that if I found my daughter in jail, a prostitute, stripper, drug addict, etc that I would love her and accept her. If she was gay? Lol, that would NOT be on my agenda for a so called “issue”. Thank you for sharing your story.

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